


zero-sum game

by amonglilies



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Casual Sex, Enemies to Friends to ?, M/M, Minor Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, University
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-03
Updated: 2019-09-03
Packaged: 2020-09-30 13:28:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20447879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amonglilies/pseuds/amonglilies
Summary: “Hard to believe you stuck with volleyball as long as you did then. What’s the point in playing if you’re not winning?”“You have a point,” Sugawara concedes. “I guess that’s just what it’s like to love something.”





	zero-sum game

**Author's Note:**

> warnings: college drinking, both characters implied to be in love with other people, no cheating/infidelity
> 
> Unbeta'd.

Tooru had prepared himself for what could be reasonably expected from his first day of university life. He had moved into his apartment ahead of time so he wouldn’t have to worry about it when classes started, made sure he knew the surrounding area ahead of time. Orientation went by smoothly and so did his classes; he made friendly conversation with his anxious classmates when he had to, smiled at the right times. He had arranged his schedule to accommodate his training regimen - enough time in the morning for a run, a break in the middle of the day for lunch, spreading out his classes throughout the week so he has enough time for afternoon training.

Sitting in the lecture hall and waiting for his last class of the day to start, Tooru looks through his phone. He scrolls through his contact list, glancing at the new names he’s added today. He pauses on one name in particular, opening his message log. He thinks for a few moments and then deletes it. He switches over to Twitter.

“Oikawa?”

Things were not supposed to be complicated. Everything had been meticulously planned, but when he looks up, his brow furrowed at the sound of a faintly familiar voice, it is someone he didn’t expect - or want - to see again.

-

“What are the chances we ended up in the same class, much less the same university?” Sugawara Koushi’s stupidly friendly face says.

Tooru tries not to roll his eyes. “Must be fate,” he says behind an easily constructed smile.

Sugawara’s laugh is light and airy above the din of the bustling cafe. “Must be,” he agrees.

Tooru looks away, crossing his arms over his chest. He didn’t want to “catch up” with Sugawara here after class but Sugawara didn’t give him much of a chance to say no. “So,” he says, just to fill the air, “what made you apply to this university?”

“It was the best university I was accepted into,” Sugawara replies sheepishly. “My parents made me promise that I would focus on my studies in exchange for letting me play volleyball through my third year.”

Tooru huffs a laugh. “What about your better half? That dependable captain of yours? Don’t tell me he’s hiding somewhere around here too.”

Sugawara laughs again, but it comes and goes a little too quickly. “He went to a university close to his home.” The ice in Sugawara’s glass clinks as he swirls the straw around absently. Tooru picks up his own cup, watching the movement. “What about yours?” He meets Sugawara’s gaze over the rim of his cup. “‘Iwa-chan’, was it?”

_Cheeky_, Tooru thinks, annoyed. “Same thing,” is all he says.

Sugawara looks out the window. “We’re quite far from home, aren’t we?” He says softly, as if saying it to himself.

Throngs of people walk past the cafe window, high school students milling about in their new uniforms, office workers in their pressed business suits hurrying, parents with their kids in tow. Skyscrapers block out the sky. It’s different from the place they came from. Tooru just hums and takes a sip of his latte.

They manage some more small talk as they finish their drinks. Upon finding out that they have a few more classes together later in the week, Sugawara suggests exchanging contact information. “Don’t make such a sour face, Oikawa,” Sugawara teases as Tooru begrudgingly shakes his phone; Sugawara asked for his LINE too. “One of these days you’ll probably need it.”

The bell on the cafe door rings as they leave. The city skyline is a shadow against the setting sun. Tooru glances at his phone; he still has time for a run.

“Well,” Sugawara says, already turning to leave, “I guess I’ll see you around.”

“Yeah.” Tooru looks through his contact list again, Sugawara’s newly added number now among them. A small, petty part of him wants to delete it immediately. “Hey,” he calls out without really thinking. Sugawara turns to look at him. “Are you going to join the volleyball team?”

Sugawara blinks and then smiles. “Of course.”

-

There’s nothing exceptional about Sugawara. He’s smart with sharp eyes, capable of some interesting plays, but average across the board. While Tooru is willing to admit that Sugawara’s a half-decent setter, he didn’t doubt for a moment that he would be the starting setter instead of Sugawara.

“Suga-chan, you’re still working so hard even though you’re going to be the back-up?” Tooru says, grinning as he saunters over to Sugawara in the middle of spiking practice, trading places with the member by the bin and tossing a high ball toward him.

Much to his annoyance, Sugawara hardly bats an eye, both at the nickname and the comment, jumping and spiking the thrown ball with a decent cross. He doesn’t break his stance, waiting for the next ball to be thrown. “What else am I supposed to do? Give up?” Sugawara casts him a sidelong glance, sweat trickling down his forehead. “Is that what you would do?”

Tooru’s grin doesn’t falter. “Are you trying to catch up to me?” He asks, tossing Sugawara another ball.

Again, Sugawara spikes the ball, landing neatly before shooting him a grin of his own. “Does that scare you?”

This time, Tooru narrows his eyes. The whistle blows, signaling a break, and Sugawara relaxes easily into a laugh as he walks past him, bumping him lightly on the shoulder before grabbing his water bottle.

“What’s past is past, Oikawa. We’re teammates now,” Sugawara says. “That means I’m someone you can rely on.”

Tooru knows it’s a concession. Sugawara is the kind of player willing to do whatever he needs to do to help his team. Tooru knows he works hard, sometimes sees him running in the morning, sees him with his volleyball bag in class, catches sight of him in the gym doing drills with anyone he can find. Sugawara is no threat to him, but Tooru looks at him and sees the last team that beat him, sees the team that accomplished his goal before he could, sees that middle school kid that looked at him like he hung the moon and he can’t let it go.

“Tch,” Tooru turns away. “Don’t treat me like Tobio-chan.”

He doesn’t want to rely on someone like him.

-

“Having your own apartment is nice,” Sugawara sighs enviously as he takes off his shoes in the foyer.

Tooru tosses a pair of spare slippers at Sugawara’s feet before going over to the fridge to take out a bottle of tea from the fridge. Sugawara watches him, eyes bright with amusement, and Tooru flushes, jabbing a finger at him. “I’m practically doing you a favor here, got it?”

Sugawara snickers as Tooru grabs two cups and puts them with the tea on the dining table. “You sure have a bad personality.”

Tooru mentally fumes. He didn’t want this to happen. It was just convenient to pair up with Sugawara for his group assignment. Their schedules are more or less the same so he wouldn’t have to explain his availability or waste time meeting somewhere else and at the very least, he knows Sugawara isn’t an idiot.

It doesn’t help that it’s really annoyingly hard to say no to Sugawara.

“This isn’t the team we’re playing next week, is it?”

Tooru glances at Sugawara, who’s standing by his desk and looking at his computer, the paused video he had been watching that morning still on the screen. “No,” Tooru says. “We’re playing that team next month.”

Sugawara looks at him, at the stack of volleyball magazines on his desk, then back at the screen. He lets out a thoughtful hum, rubbing his chin. “So this is why you don’t have a girlfriend.”

Tooru had already dropped any friendly pretenses with Sugawara two weeks into university, having resolved to hate him, but this really seals the deal. He takes out his textbooks and drops them on the table with a little more force than necessary. “Quit snooping around my apartment.”

Sugawara chuckles as he makes his way over to the table. The chair scrapes softly against the floor as he sits down. “You're pretty incredible, Oikawa.”

“I’m glad you’re finally accepting my brilliance but you’re really sending me some mixed signals,” Tooru says flatly as he takes a seat across from him, already tired of whatever this is.

“I mean, I thought you were good in high school, but you get better every day,” Sugawara says, reaching for the tea. “I guess I never thought about how much work you’ve put into it.”

“Didn’t you have to work to get to where you are?”

Sugawara smiles. He pours tea into the two cups, pushing one of them toward Tooru. “Yeah, but I’m still nowhere close to your level.”

Tooru watches as Sugawara pulls out his things. He guesses he’s never thought about it either; Sugawara may be someone who beat him, but he knows what it’s like to be in Kageyama’s shadow, to be eclipsed by stronger opponents, to work so hard but still fall short.

Tooru looks away when Sugawara looks up. “How are your little kouhais doing anyway?”

“You mean Kageyama?”

The knowing look on Sugawara’s face bothers him. Tooru’s not usually this transparent. He ignores it. “Still being insufferable with Chibi-chan?”

“Probably.” Tooru can hear the fondness in his voice. “I can’t even imagine how good those two are now. You know, when I told them we were playing on the same team, the first three texts they sent me didn’t have any comprehensible words.”

Tooru snorts. “Sounds like them. One shared brain cell between the two of them.”

Sugawara lets out a laugh. “Still, they really look up to you. Especially Kageyama.”

He feels a twinge of annoyance. “That’s because he’s an idiot who doesn’t understand anything outside of volleyball.” Tooru says quietly. Before Sugawara can say anything else, he pulls up the assignment. “Let’s get started. I’ve got training later.”

After they split up the work, they finally settle into silence. It’s a welcome reprieve, yet Tooru finds his gaze drifting. He notes idly that Sugawara is the first person he’s brought over to his apartment, that this is the first time they’ve been alone together. It’s only instinct to observe. He knows what Sugawara is like during games - surprisingly noisy, usually the loudest voice on the sidelines, yet also the refreshing presence Tooru remembers from high school when he steps on the court, but when he’s not playing, he’s more reserved. Tooru starts to commit certain things to memory, like the way Sugawara spins and taps his pen against his notebook when he’s thinking, like the messy part of Sugawara’s hair, the strangeness of his eyelashes being lighter than the shadow they cast, the exact location of the mole by his left eye. His grandmother told him that people born with beauty marks by their eyes end up living hard lives. He used to wonder if those people would look in the mirror and accept it.

“It must have been hard for you,” Tooru finds himself saying. “Giving up on being a setter for Tobio.”

Sugawara gets easily riled up when their opponents trash-talk, when they get the better of him, but he doesn’t ever rise to bait like this. He keeps writing in his notebook; Tooru wonders why he doesn’t just type his notes. “I didn’t give up on being a setter,” Sugawara returns evenly. “I told our coach to pick the setter that would help us win.”

Tooru rests his chin on his hand, glancing at Sugawara over his laptop screen. “So what, you’re saying you didn’t feel bitter at all?”

It’s quiet for a few moments. Sugawara finishes writing down his thought, sets down his pen, and finally looks up. “I did,” he admits. “I understood why. I had prepared for it too, but it still hurt my pride. In the end though, when it was over, when I saw how much Kageyama had grown,” he smiles softly, “that made it easier.”

Tooru lets out a sardonic laugh. “What a good senpai you are.”

Sugawara shakes his head. “The truth is, it was more selfish than that. Helping the team win meant playing more games. The more games we played, the more chances I got to stand on the court.” He quirks a grin, picks up his pen again. “I did my best. I don’t have any regrets.”

A sour feeling rises from the pit of Tooru’s stomach. “That’s easy to say when you’ve won as much as you have.”

Tooru regrets it the moment he says it, but Sugawara doesn’t miss a beat, smiling wryly. “I think I lost my fair share in my first two years of high school.”

A part of him realizes he should apologize; he doesn’t. Instead, he feels strangely annoyed. It would have been better if Sugawara got mad at him. “Hard to believe you stuck with volleyball as long as you did then. What’s the point in playing if you’re not winning?”

“You have a point,” Sugawara concedes. “I guess that’s just what it’s like to love something.”

“What, losing?”

“Staying with something even when it hurts to.”

Tooru snorts. “How romantic of you.”

Sugawara laughs again. “Maybe. But I think it applies to a lot of things in life.”

It unnerves him, the way Sugawara doesn’t meet his gaze. Tooru turns his attention back to his work. The back of Sugawara’s pen taps against his notebook once, twice, three times.

-

_did you see my last game? i got -_

_classes are so easy. too much homework though. come and do it for m - _

_did you grow taller? i’m not around to push your pressure points so maybe you’ll start growing aga -_

_i miss you_

“Oikawa-san, what do you like most about volleyball?”

Tooru smoothly pockets his phone, turning to the girl sitting next to him - what was her name? Shizuko? - and smiling easily. “Winning, of course.”

She giggles as Tooru feels his patience wearing thin. Most people seem to think he likes mixers but he finds them to be a waste of time; maybe once he found the attention to be nice, but not anymore. To be honest, the only reason he’s staying is because some of his classmates had begged him to come to this mixer and they’re staring daggers at him as if knowing he wants to leave.

At least they promised to pay for his drinks, so he drinks. He’s had alcohol before but he’s never been drunk, but he figures it’s a Sunday night and he has nothing better to do. Besides, it might be good to know what a hangover feels like. Maybe it’ll make him swear off alcohol altogether.

“Sugawara! You made it!”

_Hallucinations_, Tooru thinks grimly. _I get hallucinations when I get drunk. That’s good to know now._

Except it’s not a hallucination. Sugawara is really there, squeezing in at the other end of the table, all smiles as he accepts a drink. He catches Tooru’s eye and grins behind his glass, like a secret passing between the two of them; Tooru would punch him if he wasn’t so far away so instead he drinks. He drinks and drinks until his vision starts swimming, until the voices start to blur together, all of the voices except for one.

-

“We don’t have practice tomorrow.”

“I know.”

“You told them we had to leave early because we have practice.”

“I had a feeling you didn’t want to stay.”

Tooru glances at Sugawara. He nearly thanks him but catches himself; they may be teammates now, something like friends even, but he would literally rather die than thank him. Instead, he shoves his hands into his pockets and concentrates intently on walking straight, moving through the muggy city air, but he keeps bumping against Sugawara. Sugawara doesn’t seem to mind though.

“Who were you texting?” He suddenly says.

Tooru slows to a stop. “What?”

Sugawara turns to look at him, his expression unreadable. “You were texting someone. Or trying to, I think.”

Tooru narrows his eyes. “How did you know that?”

Sugawara looks at him for a moment before he pulls out his phone and shows it to him. Tooru squints at the bright screen, his eyes slowly adjusting to the light before he manages to read the text on the screen. His face grows impossibly hotter. 

_i miss you_

He immediately lunges for the phone but Sugawara easily turns and blocks him, holding it out of his reach. “Delete it!”

Sugawara bursts into laughter when Tooru grabs hold of him and struggles to pull on his arm. “I’m going to cherish it!”

Tooru tries again and again, but he’s too drunk and uncoordinated to use his height to his advantage, shouting curses as he gracelessly flails his limbs at him. Eventually, Sugawara slips out of his hold and gets some distance between them, laughing breathlessly and brandishing his phone in the air like a trophy. Agitated, Tooru glares at him, his fists clenched at his sides as he stands panting on the sidewalk like a kid about to throw a tantrum. They stare each other down for a good minute before Sugawara sighs and rolls his eyes, apparently having had his fill.

“You know, you really can be childish. Look,” Sugawara shows him the message again and then deletes it. “There, happy?”

Tooru huffs, feeling shaky from the sudden onset of relief. “This time, I really am going to delete your number,” he grinds out.

Sugawara raises an eyebrow. “‘This time’?” He repeats amusedly, easily dodging another swipe and catching him by the arm before Tooru can fall over.

It’s summer. It’s been six months in this unfamiliar city, walking among strangers, but this is the first time since leaving that he’s felt like himself, getting into a stupid fight with Sugawara in the middle of the street. His head is spinning and he wants to run away but Sugawara’s hand is steady on his elbow and Tooru is too tired to keep himself from leaning against him as they make their way back to his apartment.

After another brief tussle for the keys, Tooru finds himself unceremoniously dumped onto his bed, letting out a muffled groan. Shuffling footsteps trail away from him before he hears the faucet turn on. “I hope you don’t have an early class tomorrow,” he hears Sugawara call from the kitchen.

“Fuck you,” Tooru mumbles, facedown on his bed, but Sugawara still hears him and laughs.

Tooru curls up on his bed, the alcohol pooling warm in his belly, and looks at his phone. He sees the message he sent to Sugawara. He flips his phone over and rubs his face into the covers. He already feels sober.

“How did you know where I was?”

The footsteps return. Sugawara places a glass of water on his nightstand. “Just a feeling.” He snickers when Tooru shoots him a look. “I was invited to the mixer too. I told them I was busy but I figured they probably asked you too.”

“So, what,” Tooru mumbles, “you saw that text and thought you’d come and help me? Talk to me about my feelings?”

It’s quiet for a few moments. Sugawara sits carefully on the edge of his bed. “I don’t know what I thought I was going to do. All I knew was that you were trying to say something like that to someone you haven't spoken to in a long time.”

Tooru doesn’t look at Sugawara, turning instead toward the window. He can see the hazy light of the city. Some nights, it keeps him up. He misses seeing the dark night sky, bright with stars. 

“It must be nice,” Tooru says. “Not having any regrets.”

“There are things I regret. I just don’t think about them.” Sugawara looks at him. “No one can change the past. Not even you.”

His sheets twist in his hands. “I know that.”

“Do you?”

Tooru keeps looking out the window.

It’s been a long time since he’s thought about it, that night when he was still in high school, of Hajime looking him in the eye and telling him he was going to a different university. He remembers how desperately he wanted to pick a fight, to tell him it was stupid, to just pick the same school as him, how he chose instead to tell the first lie Hajime ever believed, that he was happy for him. 

It’s pathetic, really. He was the one who made the choice to leave, not wanting to think about the ways he wasn’t enough, but he still misses the things he left behind.

“Hey, if you’re just going to sulk until you fall asleep, at least take off your shoes,” Sugawara chides gently. Tooru kicks off his shoes, wiggling his socked toes in presentation. Sugawara sighs. “Childish,” he says again.

Tooru lifts his head to glare at him. “You always call me that,” he gripes. “I can’t help who I am. I’m not going to change.”

Unexpectedly, Sugawara smiles. “I’m not telling you to change. I like you better like this.” He shrugs, as if not understanding it himself. “It feels more honest.”

He should hate Sugawara. He holds grudges, he knows he does, and he has many against Sugawara; Sugawara reminds him of the past he didn’t want anymore. Sugawara is someone who can hold all of his failures over his head, but he doesn’t. He knows all of the worst parts of him, but when he looks at him, he smiles. They don’t owe each other anything, but Tooru can feel the warmth of Sugawara’s body and Sugawara isn’t leaving.

The bed creaks under the full weight of another body. Sugawara’s brown eyes are wide with surprise and it should make him feel triumphant but all Tooru can think is that in the darkness, Sugawara’s eyes become the same color as his own.

Maybe he just feels lonely. 

“I don’t like you,” Tooru clarifies, his fingers tangling in the silver hair on the back of Sugawara’s neck.

Sugawara lets out a soft laugh. Tooru feels it skirt against his cheek. “Okay,” Sugawara says, the corner of his lips turning up in a half-smile. 

They don’t act on instinct or muscle memory. They are the kind of people who see everything, all of the options available, and make a choice. There must be a reason he met Sugawara here, now, something known among the unfamiliar. There is something kindred between them, something to be understood.

It’s new, the first time Tooru kisses Sugawara, the feeling of his body against his, but after the second, the third, that soon all becomes familiar too.

-

They were both born in the summer. They are both setters, both hate losing, both wish they were more than what they are, both in love with people they’re not with.

There are more things he learns about Sugawara. Sugawara likes to have sex at night. He eats food so spicy Tooru can feel his eyes water just watching him. It is almost impossible to tell if Sugawara is going for a high five or a punch to the back when he gets onto the court. He doesn’t like to have his hair in his eyes but for some reason, lets it grow out anyway, his hair curling against the nape of his neck. He can always tell whenever Tooru is lying. When he scores a point with the float serve Tooru can’t seem to manage, he grins at him but it doesn’t feel like a challenge. He can tell him about every game he’s lost, but he can still play with a smile on his face.

It doesn’t strike him like an epiphany. One day, Tooru looks at Sugawara, seeing all of the ways they are the same, the ways they are different, and doesn’t think about the past.

-

“You’re going back to visit?”

“Yeah. I think my parents want a full status report from me.”

Tooru looks at Sugawara from his bed. Sugawara is sitting at his desk, working on a paper. He practically lives here with him now, but they don’t talk about it.

“What about you?”

Tooru turns onto his back and looks up at the ceiling. “My parents have been traveling ever since I started university. No point in going back.”

Sugawara’s pen scratches against paper. He still writes in his notebook. He writes faster than he types, it turns out. “You could go see your friends from high school.”

Tooru thinks of Hajime. “I’m thinking about it,” he says and it surprises him.

It’s been almost a year. He still plays volleyball after everything it’s put him through, still thinks about Hajime even though he left. Maybe he doesn’t know how to give up after all.

The chair creaks as Sugawara stretches and stands. “I understand what you meant now,” Tooru says when Sugawara walks over and sits on the edge of the bed. “About loving something.”

Sugawara doesn’t ask him what he’s talking about, just leans back and meets his gaze with a quiet smile. “I see.”

Tooru looks up at him. “I think if you never talked to me again, I’d be okay.”

Sugawara laughs, soft and easy. “Is that so?”

One day, Tooru will miss kissing Sugawara, miss the sex; maybe he’ll even miss him, but it doesn’t mean he always will. They are the same, both knowing this will not last forever, but still, Tooru reaches out to touch Sugawara’s neck and waits for him to lean in.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!


End file.
